Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
“Pure O” as they call it …
Well there’s nothing pure about it!
It isn’t the kind of thing where I must wash my hands a certain amount of times
Or put my shoes in order by color
In a straight line
It’s madness of a different kind!
It’s intrusive thoughts about everything I fear
Death, trauma, harm, you name it, it’s there
Never stops, and doesn’t seem to care
It’s thoughts like, “are the chemicals in the air going to kill me?” every time I walk into a room
Or, “what if I stab myself with this knife?” every time I try to cook
And, “what if I pass out because I’m so hungry” when I don’t have blood sugar issues
Or, “what if I have a heart attack” as I constantly check my pulse
And it isn’t merely a thought here and there throughout the day
It’s a life where not a second goes by that my brain is not constantly put to the test
And there’s absolutely no rest
It’s bodily symptoms that suddenly appear
Based on whatever disease it is today that I fear
It’s anxiety so distressing I want to drive myself off the road
But then I can’t tell if it’s ME that wants to
Or if it’s just my brain that’s broke?
It’s the horror music in the background of a completely normal life
From the outside it’s great
But I really just want to hide
From the thoughts that haunt
And the anxiety that taunts
And the hard work it takes to attempt to recover
To teach myself that the music is just sound
That the horror isn’t real
It’s just this part of myself
That needs a lot of tenderness
And focus and care
To feel like I am finally getting somewhere